There are a million other places that I still need to check out, but I keep going back to the burgers at Kuma’s. It’s a straight-up addiction. Lauren called me up on a rainy Thursday and told me to get ready beause she’d be outside in a few minutes. BURGER SURPRISE! After that Kuma’s visit, I wrote a confession. Here’s how it went:

Dearest Mastadon,

I never meant for things to be this way. The thought that there could ever be another had never crossed my mind, but when I met the Pantera, I knew it was real. That beautifully roasted pablano pepper, the crispy bacon, a combination of cheddar AND monterey jack cheeses, ranchero sauce ALL topped with crispy tortilla strips. It was a dream that I couldn’t pass up  fulfilling. I’m sorry. You’ll always be my first with a special place in my tummy.

Hungrily,
Shane

The best burgers in Chicago are at Kuma’s Corner. Don’t let the loud metal music and tatted, pierced-up staff fool you. Sure, they could all double as bouncers for this venue, but these are gourmet burgers produced by legit chefs. Each one is 10 ounces of deliciousness with garnishes and ingredients that you haven’t even thought to concoct, all wedged in-between a golden-brown pretzel roll bun. The topper? They’re all named after metal bands. Kuma’s Corner is the heaviest rocking (metal) bar around. Don’t worry, everyone there is super friendly.

I lost my burger-virginity on New Year’s Eve’s Eve back in ‘07. After jamming out to Motorhead & Metallica during the two hour wait, I discovered that Samichlaus Bier (14% ABV, 2 = a DUI) and the burgers make a rad combo and are totally worth the wait. Prepare to stand around for a table during dinner… in my experience, lunchtime or early dinners are the best time to beat the crowd. We ended up waiting 4 hours on my birthday. So avoid bringing parties of more than 4 people.

My personal favorite, the Mastadon (above). Gotta get that BBQ sauce on the side. Here are all the burgers that I’ve tried to date:

Slayer: Pile of fries topped with a ½ lb. Burger, Chili, Cherry Peppers, Andouille, Onions, Jack Cheese, and Anger - My thoughts: Incredible. Think: ultimate chili cheese fries.

Neurosis: Cheddar, Swiss, Sautéed Mushrooms, Caramelized Onions, Horseradish Mayo - My thoughts: Packed with flavor, a winner for sure.

Metallica: Buffalo Sauce, Bacon, Bleu Cheese Dressing - My thoughts: Not bad, not bad.

Clutch: Cheddar, Swiss, Jack, Smoked Gouda - My thoughts: Holy cheese, batman!

Mastodon: BBQ Sauce, Cheddar, Bacon, Frizzled Onions - My thoughts: THIS MAH JAM, SON!

Fu Manchu: Grilled Japanese Eggplant, Teriyaki sauce, Wasabi Mayo, Frizzled Daikon Radish - My thoughts: Damn, may I have another?

Lair of the Minotaur: Caramelized Onions, Pancetta, Brie, Bourbon Soaked Pears - My thoughts: Was my least fav out of all of them. Maybe I ordered it on an off day.

There are also a number of monthly specials they have.. basically a creation of both the owner and chef that’s available for a limited time. You can peep the full menu here.

Until next time, EAT IT.